Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Product Review: Mommy Necklaces

Check out this brilliant "design."
Such artistry.
I've been a fan of Mommy Necklaces for a really long time.  They made beautiful necklaces perfect for moms made of non-toxic beads and featuring a breakaway clasp.  Great for grabby toddlers and twiddling breastfeeders, I considered Mommy Necklaces a must-have accessory for every mom.

Until recently.

Mommy Necklaces is a strangely run company.  They shut their entire operations down and close their website for weeks at a time at least twice a year, usually coinciding with a major holiday or gift-giving occasion.  (This year, they were closed for Mother's Day.)  While they're closed, they taunt their Facebook fans with "preview photos" of what's coming up, half of which won't ever make it to production or will be changed so drastically they'll be unrecognizable.  Then, they reopen with much fanfare about the "new line", illustrated with lots of smileys, less-than-threes, misspellings and horrible grammar on their Facebook page.  They delete any negative comment made by fans, even something as benign as "I don't like the colors in this necklace."  The owners of this company believe that their necklaces have souls, contain actual unicorn tears, and bestow upon the wearer a sense of peace and well-being.  Any comment other than sunshiny rainbows and showers of love deeply affects the women that wear the necklaces to the point that, if a random Facebook stranger doesn't like the plastic on a string that THEY like, they will spiral into a deep depression the likes of which only high doses of antipsychotic meds and electric shock therapy will cure.

Their last launch was a revamp of the entire line of necklaces.  Their new line features strands of plastic beads that look like something my toddler strings together in daycare on craft day.  Where before, ALL the necklaces had varying color and shape beads and spacers and were designed using actual brain power and had depth, dimension and interest, much of the new collection consists of strands of one type of one color bead on a string.  How this is supposed to be enthralling and attractive to a child, I do not know.  Now, I understand that old lady strings-of-pearls may appeal to others, they're just not my bag.

If the revamp ended there, my review would still be quite positive.  However, Mommy Necklaces also changed every other thing about their necklaces, and not in a good way.  The new line is terrible for moms who don't keep their hair in a ponytail every day or have a very short haircut.  They pull at the little hairs at the base of your neck so that it feels as though you're being stung by bees all damn day.  I'm sorry, I don't care if I look as beautiful as Sofia Vergara in my Mommy Necklace, if they're going to yank out my hair, I'm not going to wear them.

They also remolded their breakaway clasp so that it doesn't breakaway anymore.  The owner of the company actually posted a video to their Facebook page before the launch explaining exactly how to open the clasp, using your thumb as leverage.  Uh, what?  Aren't breakaway clasps supposed to... just break away?  Why the instruction manual?  You think my toddler paid attention to her seven-minute video?  No, she didn't.  She still yanks at the necklace on my neck like she always did, except now instead of cleanly popping open with no harm done, the necklace now holds tight, only breaking away when she exerts such force that she falls backwards on her ass, painfully pulling chunks of my hair along with it.

And, a few times, when I thought that the clasp had "broken away," it turned out that it had just... broken.  Because of the nature of the construction and material of the new clasp, it tends to snap at a weak point in the closure, popping one end of the clasp in two.  I'm able to snap the two pieces together so the necklace is still wearable, but every time the toddler pulls on it, the clasp pops open, and two sharp choking hazards go flying across the room that I have to scramble to retrieve before the toddler or a cat does.

If I'd written this review a year ago, like I had planned to before I got lazy, it would have been glowing and filled with the hearts and rainbows that Mommy Necklaces loves so much.  I'm glad I waited, because now?  Mommy Necklaces are shit.  And to top it all off?  They're expensive shit.  They charge upwards of $30 for ONE of these non-functional plastic hunks of junk.

And the thing about them is... nursing necklaces are SO EASY to make, you guys.  The components are inexpensive and easy to find (especially the older-style clasps that actually DO breakaway), the knots are elementary, and even if you've never attempted a craft in your life, you can make something way nicer than anything you could buy from Mommy Necklaces.  In a coming post, I'll show you how, complete with links to vendors where you can buy cord, clasps and beads, and step-by-step photos on how to tie the necklaces off securely so you won't have to worry about Mommy Necklaces' little grey choking hazards flying all over your house.

Until then, and if you're not a DIY type, I suggest you check out etsy and search for nursing necklace or breastfeeding necklace.  Don't waste your money on these!

Real Mom Rating: (zero Cheerios)

Not dead

Well, hello.

Yeah, so I let this blog go for a while.  You want to fight about it?

I went and got myself knocked up so I resurrected it, because if I didn't have time or energy to keep up a blog with one kid running around, I DEFINITELY will have time with two, right?