Monday, February 28, 2011

A Mother's Woe

My daughter can...

Moo like a cow. Oo-oo-oo like a monkey. Bok-bok like a chicken. Rawr like a lion or dinosaur. Neigh like a horse (this is the cutest ever). Make her Itsy Bitsy Spider go up the water spout. Outrun me. Identify a hundred different things around the house, including specific books. Smell pretty flowers. Almost feed herself with a spoon. Give kisses and hugs on command. Say "gub-gub-gub" when she wants to read her Yo Gabba Gabba book or when it comes on TV. Throw all her stuffed animals over the baby gate into the kitchen. Walk backwards. Find her feet, belly, hair, ears and tongue, as well as other peoples' noses. Brush her teeth (with help). Dance.

My daughter cannot...

Say "mama."


Obligatory Introduction Post

I fucking hate "mom blogs."

So naturally, I have to start one.

Here's the thing about mom blogs and mom bloggers, in general: They're all full of shit. Stay-at-home, organic, cloth-diapering, vegan, Ferberizing, coupon-clipping, attachment parenting, holier-than-thou Earth Mommies that boycott Nestle and don't own a TV. Whatever, man. You have fun with that.

Me? I'm a REAL mom. I have a 14-month old. I work 40 hours a week. I feed my kid hot dogs. She watches Nick Jr. Her clothes, while clean, are not organic or dye-free. I proudly wrap her butt in Pampers or Luvs. I haven't read a single parenting book. I do it my way, I do what feels right, I set limits on what is important to me.

What's gonna be here? Product reviews: not of Mama Nature's Organic Crispy Kale Puffs or Marissa & Dave's BPA-Free Wooden Learn-A-Ma-Jig, but of chicken nuggets or Fisher Price Little People or shampoo I treated myself to. Recipes: Not of Vegan Tofu Enlightenment Burgers, but macaroni and cheese and crock pot chicken. Amusing Anecdotes: Not of yesterday's adventures at the afternoon Mommy-and-Me class, but of what the hell really happens if you try to take a 14-month old to a restaurant for a "nice dinner out." ...and whatever the hell else I want. There might be curse words. There might be TMI. But there won't be any granola preachy crap that makes me roll my eyes.

Take it or leave it.